A Mascot named Choker Bear

As published in my column 'The Blog Roll' in the May 2011 edtion of SPORTElizabeth

It was scripted. It had to happen. And it did! Well, not entirely as I had written it, but almost. After I had recovered from South Africa’s devastating/disappointing/anticipated/disastrous/anticipated Cricket World Cup quarter-final loss to New Zealand, I decided that the next best thing would be for India to win their own (shared) World Cup at home. I said this for two reasons: Firstly, because it would just not be right for batting and general cricketing legend Sachin Tendulkar to never get the chance to lift the Cricket World Cup, and secondly, of course because our very own Gary Kirsten was their coach. I didn’t stop there though.

I’m greedy when it comes to sports results and as much as India’s win at home was near perfect, it wasn’t 100% perfect. I wanted two things to happen on 2 April 2011: Firstly, for India to beat Sri Lanka, and secondly, for that little master Sachin to become the first person ever to score 100 ODI centuries. The latter was not to be, so I had to tinker with my script post-match. In saying all of that though, there really can be no better way for a coach of any team to depart, “Here’s the World Cup. Enjoy it and keep it safe. I’m off!” Yes, I know, Jake White did the same thing, however, if you can remember, the divorce wasn’t quite as amicable. It was more a case of, ‘Here’s the World Cup. Now let’s have a fallout and allow SARU to descend back into the chaos it’s so notorious for!”

I want to speak about cricket for a little while longer here, and particularly the Proteas. Yes, again. I have done some thinking, and have had some time to cool off and think things through, and there are maybe a few things that weren’t clear in my April ranting. Firstly, I’d like to discuss that ‘choke’ tag. My main issue with the word is the power it now has to affect the team in future ICC tournaments. What I mean is that it is usually the very same people that bandy the term about so freely before and during any ICC tournament, who are the first to pull out their knives when what they were expecting to happen unfolds. It really has become a perfect case of our good old (late) friend and acclaimed sociologist Robert K. Merton’s ‘self-fulfilling prophecy.’ For instance, I feel we have reached a stage where it is only happening because we’re all anticipating it. In the KFC Sports Cage on Algoa FM recently, Johan Botha admitted as much when he said that the feeling in the team while on the field, and while batting during that loss to the Black Caps, was quite clearly one of apprehension. Botha said that throughout the match, one could just feel that this was different. Right, so we now know this. We also know for a fact (yes, a fact!) that the word ‘choke’ is never, ever going to go away. I’m willing to bet that even WHEN the Proteas win the 2015 Cricket World Cup (I’m starting already!), the word might briefly stick its tail between its legs and scurry off to a dark, dusty corner, but make no mistake, it will be ready to pounce at the very next available opportunity. After all it is language, and when language gets going, it takes a lot more than one ICC trophy (for instance) to slow its momentum.

So, if the word ‘choker’ is never going to disappear, and we have learned that sweeping it under the rug only makes matters worse, then what are we to do with it? Come a little closer because I might just have a suggestion. Firstly, I would urge the makers of the official Proteas shirts, addidas, to embroider the word ‘Choker’ in tiny black print on the inside of the collar. Not too big, but also not too small that it cannot be read. I know this all sounds crazy, but give me a chance here. The next thing I’d do is release a statement from Cricket South Africa advising the world of the small change in design, as well as openly admitting that the ‘South African national cricket team always has been, and possibly always will, only be made up of 100%, proudly South African Chokers.’ Thirdly, it should be in the captain’s brief that at every possible press conference, and every toss during any ICC tournament, the word ‘choker’ (or a derivative thereof) needs to be used. Allow me to give an example:

Presenter: So, *insert newly named SA captain name here*, you’ve decided to bat first. Why?
Newly named SA Captain: Well, it looks a good batting wicket up front, and it’s always nice to get some runs on the board and put the opposition under pressure. But, to be entirely honest, the beauty of it all is that, as you know, we’re just a bunch of chokers anyway, so we’re not really expecting too much from today’s match. Look here. It even says so under my collar!

I apologise, as I am unable to even anticipate what the presenter would say to that. But you get the idea. I have a suspicion that if there are any psychologists reading this, they’re probably bashing their fists at that little photo of me in the corner, as I suspect too, that according to proper practice, the very last thing one does if one wants to win, is even pretend to expect to lose. I know this. I am sorry, but I think we have tried everything else. And besides, we’ve always expected to lose – we’ve just never before openly admitted it.

What we’d achieve if my idea is put into practice is, if nothing else, we’d put the international/opposition media in a profound quandary as to its next attack. In short, the ‘choker’ tag will no longer be a weapon for the media or, and possibly more significantly, the opposition. Why? Because our boys would have ripped it out from under that dirty rug and embraced it, instead of tip-toeing around it and pretending it doesn’t exist. And then, ladies and gentlemen, I believe the elephant might just leave the room.

Finally, one more suggestion before I go: A little national cricket mascot named ‘Choker Bear’ wouldn’t go amiss either!