The 'C' Word

As published in my column 'The Blog Roll' in the April edition of SPORTElizabeth.

@##%$% %$*@#$% #%#%$^ #@#%@#%$. And, of course, #@#%$#$#^Y&. That is pretty much exactly what I said just after 6pm on Friday 18 March 2011. In fact, as much as I could believe it, at the same time, I could not. 108/2 and you lose it? New Zealand? Really? As is customary when speaking about the ‘less-respected’ cricketing teams, I’ll say the whole ‘no disrespect to the Black Caps’ thing, but for suck’s fake, come on. And for some reason, it just felt worse than all of those other World Cup knockout losses that came before. I think it is because this was THE World Cup. This was the one when all the commentators and cricketing gurus were saying, “This Proteas team has what it takes. Watch out world”. Do you know what? I still cannot believe it. This WAS the World Cup when we were supposed to all be teary eyed while we watch our boys drown in champagne and those little green and gold paper thingies.

And, we’re back in the room. In case I haven’t mentioned it, I am not at all happy at the moment, so I might not keep you too long. Well, it will be longer than the Proteas’ 2011 Cricket World Cup campaign. What went wrong? That’s the question that once again flies around, dominating pub conversations. I think the problem is that nothing went wrong. The only little hiccup along the way was the frustrating loss to England in the group stages. Other than that, the Proteas seemed to have all their bases covered. As Herschelle Gibbs said after the quarter-final loss, our boys had everything covered, except BMT. My girlfriend, Debby says that we’re all silly to keep on debating and discussing possible reasons for South Africa’s poor performances in World Cups, and especially their most recent loss. She says it’s nothing more than the fact that, unless it’s a tie of course, one team must win every match, and one team must lose – simple as that. Maybe Debby is onto something.

One thing that irritates me is the popular perception that the Proteas did not win the World Cup purely because Mark Boucher was not there. That really irritates me. It’s as if Bouch has won every World Cup in which he’s played. I’m also a big Boucher fan, but let’s not get lost in a little fantasy world here. What happened during all those other World Cups when he was there? There was absolutely nothing wrong with the team that lost to New Zealand that night. Yes, the selectors might have gone for the extra batsman, for instance, but come on, that still does not justify the loss of eight wickets for just 64 runs against a very average bowling attack. Yes, they say, but Boucher has BMT – he would have rescued the innings towards the end. Ok, love. Hashim Amla, Graeme Smith, AB De Villiers, Jacques Kallis, JP Duminy, Faf Du Plessis and Johan Botha should all have ‘rescued the innings towards the end’. Dammit, if they had each just scored their respective ODI batting averages, they would have danced through to the semi-final. It is a pity that cricket is not played on paper.

One thing that did strike me before the match is what New Zealand bowling coach, Allan Donald (I know, it hurts) said in the KFC Sports Cage on Algoa FM during the week. Donald said his team (ouch) is excited about playing against South Africa, and that of all the teams left in the competition, the Proteas would have been their first choice anyway. Whether that was some pre-match confidence banter or not, I do not know, but it worked. And I must admit, when he said that, I became a little unsettled. It is exactly that kind of attitude that wins World Cups. The problem for the Proteas, possibly, is that they thought the same thing about the Black Caps.

Another thing that irritates me (aren’t I just a bundle of fun today?) are those immediate post-match press conferences. That seems a little bit strange coming from a member of the media, but hear me out. What do you want a losing (or winning) captain to say 10 minutes after the match, that has not been said before? I spoke about this issue briefly when I discussed our Bok coach, Peter de Villiers a few months ago. For instance, one of the journos asked Smith, “What went wrong today?” Um, sorry sir, did you only just arrive at the match venue? What the hell do you expect Smith to say? Until I’ve had a proper conversation with each and every player in my team, nothing other than the loss of 8 wickets for 64 runs is what went wrong today, you stupid fool. And then the pointless questions continued, with Smith eventually saying that he has no idea what else to say. It was as if they had a big cake with the ‘c’ word inside it, and they were trying to coerce Smith to take a bit of the cake. I have just read that, and I have no idea where it came from. I’m going to leave it there. As in, much like a tortured Iraqi prisoner at Abu Ghraib, “You tell me what you want me to say, and I’ll say it so you can scribble it into your little notebook and write a nice, juicy story about why the Proteas lost another World Cup knockout match”. One of the ‘journalists’ (quotation marks intended) ostensibly tried to pose a question, but it seemed more like an insult or a direct verbal attack, as he played around with ‘choker’ and ‘joker’. Sorry sir, this is a press conference for big people. The kiddies’ playroom is just down the hall.

Yes, and that ‘c’ word, it’s old now. It has become the result, as well as the perfect evidence of, the self-fulfilling prophecy. Our ‘best friends in rugby’ the All Blacks are also victims of it. Language is a very, very powerful thing. So if you’re going to keep on using that silly little ‘c’ word, use it constructively and throw it at the All Blacks! I know, I know, we have a Rugby World Cup in September, but we’re talking about cricket now. The more you use the ‘c’ word, I start thinking of another delightful ‘c’ word to throw at you. So shut up, because you’re not making it any better, and the mindless echo of a concept you probably know very little about, really is not impressive.

I am not at all defending Smith in my ‘post-match press conference’ rant, but rather exploring the legitimacy of it. Smith is (was) the captain and it is his duty to face the media. I fully understand that news needs to be written and submitted immediately after the match, but the ability of a captain to fully comprehend the intricate details of a win or loss so soon afterwards is, I’m afraid, impossible. While we’re on Smith, there is no excuse for the fact that he did not arrive back in South Africa with his teammates, but rather flew straight to Ireland ‘to sort out some personal issues’. I wonder if he would have travelled straight to Ireland if the Proteas had won the World Cup. That is not good enough, Biff. Especially considering this was your last stint as ODI skipper. I cannot understand why he wasn’t forced to return home and accompany his ‘crew’ in facing the music. He could have travelled to Ireland from here. Poor show, Smith. Poor, poor show.

Amid all of this doom and gloom, there is some excitement ahead in that the Proteas will have a new coach and ODI captain very soon. I do think Corrie van Zyl did a magnificent job in such a short time though. There’s a ‘c’ word you can use. In fact there are two you can talk about over the next few weeks: captain and coach.

The Proteas’ next assignment is a series against Australia in October. Let’s leave that ‘c’ word alone and support the boys as they look to teach the Aussies a thing or two about cricket. After all, we have a World Cup in four years time and the preparation starts here. One of my good friends, Greig summed it all up quite beautifully in a ‘tweet’ shortly after the quarter-final loss. He said, “Our loveless and abusive marriage is taking strain. I’ll forgive you in the morning, Proteas. But tonight, you’re sleeping on the couch in the garage.” He also said what upset him most was not getting to see AB ride the umpire like a horse. I think I agree.