For @%$# sake, I told you so

As published in my column 'The Blog Roll' in the February edition of SPORTElizabeth.

For cricket fans, it is currently the most talked about subject and has been for quite a while. South African cricket fans, have also had the home tour against India to cajole us into spending hours at the bar counter(s). Oh yes, we’ve also had The Ashes. You’ve got to love sport, if for nothing else, the excuse it gives one to spend hours and hours drinking ‘constructively’. It’s true. As per usual, I am going to provide an example. You enter a pub and see a man sitting on his own nursing a double scotch on the rocks with an overflowing ashtray in front of him, as he stares ahead in silence. You avoid eye contact and think something along the lines of, “Shame, that is sad. I wonder what went wrong.” Now take that same man, the same double scotch on the rocks (for example) and the same oozing ashtray, but put a television in front of him showing the Australian Open Women’s Singles Final, and you think, “What a legend! I think I’ll order a drink and ask him who he is supporting and/or perving over!” Point proven?

I’m doing it again. Where was I? The bloody 2011 ICC Cricket World Cup in India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka. Hey! Focus! We’ll talk about Maria Sharapova another time – I promise! At the time of writing, India had just beaten the Proteas by 2 heart-breaking wickets at Newlands, and Prince Charles had made the announcement. Yes, that one. During the match, I sent a text to my friend, Jon with my prediction for the Proteas 15-man squad. My message read as follows: “My prediction: Smith, AB, Amla, Kallis, Steyn, Botha, Duminy, Van Wyk, Tahir, Morne Morkel, Lopsy, Faf du Plessis, Ingram, Albie Morkel.” I then sent another one a while later saying, “I clean forgot about Parnell, so no Albie then.”

As you’ll see, I clearly cannot count as in my first message there are only 14 players. I have since acquired an abacus. So, I pretty much got it all right, but left out Robin Peterson. And, I am not so sure had I realised I only had 14 players, that I would have included him. In fact, no, I definitely would not have. I would still have had Albie and then added Rusty Theron or David Miller, but with (the somewhat recently out of sorts) Parnell. But I do have faith in him. So let’s make it clear that my message to Jon in no way indicated my Proteas World Cup squad, but what I thought the selectors would go with.

I have a few questions for the selectors, besides the anticipated role of Peterson this time around. I only say that because they have more than enough spin bowling options without him, and during the 2007 World Cup in the West Indies, he spent his time carrying refreshments. Maybe this time they’ll at least give him a branded, personalised apron.

Cricket South Africa Convenor of Selectors, Andrew Hudson explained after the announcement that Ingram would be used as a number seven batsman. If you’re planning on doing really well in each game, and you have the confidence you say you have, then why do you have a specialist batsman so low down your order? Either you have no confidence whatsoever in your top order (which, judging by current form is not surprising!) so you need a specialist batsman low down OR you’re taking Ingram as a passenger, as he does not bowl. So, in the perfect match you’ve envisaged, your team scored 295/5. Ingram was there for an over or two right at the end. Now he fields.

Firstly, Ingram is not a number seven batsman and secondly, when a team does well, as you’re expecting yours to, you don’t really expect to need anyone at the crease with their pads on lower than say, six. Maybe you’ll need number seven or eight towards the last five overs, but then, you need a ‘master-blaster’ – someone who is renowned for smashing the ball all over the park, regardless of the situation; not a batsman with an average of 41 but a strike rate of less than 90. So, if you’re going the route of ‘safety at the end of the innings’, I do not believe Ingram is your man. Miller has an ODI average of 27 and a strike rate of 121, while Albie’s average is 23 and his strike rate is 100. Now there are your number seven batsmen. For possibly the first time, there are no really big-hitters in the squad. This worries me.
Ingram is currently my second best cricketer in the world (I’ll leave you guessing), but I just do not believe he is in the right space at the moment. I have no doubt whatsoever that he will still be around come the next Cricket World Cup, so I would have saved him until then. At the Chevrolet Warriors end-of-season dinner last year, Dave Emslie told a beautiful story about how Ingram was dropped, and then not only worked his own way back into the Warriors squad, but was named Player of the Season. Now that is some pretty inspiring stuff, and it tells you that the 25-year-old Ingram is never going to go away, and moreover, that he is going to keep on getting better and better. That’s Ingram discussed.

There is a debate going on around Mark Boucher. I think the selectors made the correct decision in taking Morne van Wyk, but I do not agree with A.B De Villiers as the first-choice keeper. Is it just me, or has it ruined his batting somewhat? And not only that, but he really is not solid behind the stumps. Well, not Boucher-solid, as a specialist keeper is expected to be. People go on about experience at World Cups for their justification that Boucher should not have been left at home. No denying the fact that Boucher is a legend of the game, and yes I agree experience is important, but if the Proteas win the World Cup, I don’t think it’s going to be the experience that is going to do it. The only experience all the ‘older’ South African players have at World Cups is losing anyway! No, I did not use the ‘c’ word. Stop putting words in my mouth. My prediction is that it is going to be the innocent naivety of one of the newcomers that will blast his way through the tournament, hardly putting a foot wrong while astounding the cricketing world. World Cups are where heroes are born. *cue ‘Chariots of Fire’*

One more thing I’d like to mention is the inclusion of leg-spinner Imran Tahir. At the time of writing Tahir had still not played an international match, and I don’t think there has ever been a player in South Africa that has been selected for a World Cup, without first earning a cap; which he will remain whether he plays in one of the remaining two one-dayers against India or not. In fact, yes, if the Proteas ‘do well’ (note I didn’t jinx it by saying ‘win it’), Tahir is my pick for that newcomer who is going to rock the cricketing world. I do not need to elaborate on the extent to which the subcontinent suits his game. He might not have a cap, but he definitely has experience, and the man can turn a ball. In fact, I reckon Tahir is going to be an international cricketing superstar. Touch wood. Quick.

It must be said though, that whenever a squad is named ahead of any big tournament, there are always at least one or two questions. For the most part, I am happy. My squad, though, would have been: Graeme Smith, AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Hashim Amla, Jacques Kallis, Faf du Plessis, Rusty Theron, Morne Morkel, Dave Miller, Morne van Wyk, Dale Steyn, Wayne Parnell, Johan Botha, Lonwabo Tsotsobe and Imran Tahir.

I can still remember where I was in 1992 during that semi-final against England when Brian McMillan and Dave Richardson were batting, and the scoreboard flashed, “22 runs from 13 balls”. The rain was pouring down while England all-rounder Ian Botham kept chatting to the umpires (obviously to waste time), and then the scoreboard showed, “22 runs from 7 balls”, and before you could even blink, it said, “22 runs off 1 ball”. I am still not over that. And no, I am not going to mention that man that dropped his bat all those years later.

The point is that as South African cricket fans, we are in the fortunate position of not expecting much from our team during Cricket World Cups. We’re lucky in that we do not expect our team to win, so we are quite relaxed about it and pretty much see every win during the showpiece as a bonus. This means there is no pressure on the players. What an absolute load of @#$%. Despite that ‘c’ word that follows our team around like a ravenous mosquito, we still hope that one day, just one bloody day, the rain will stay away and the scoreboard will play nicely, the man will keep his bat in his hand, and our boys will lift up the ICC Cricket World Cup Trophy, showered in champagne and tears, and those shiny, bright green little paper thingies will come raining down all over them. I think I just shed a tear. But, if/when they lose their semi-final match, we’ll slam our fists into the bar counters, and say, “For @%$# sake, I told you so.”