The Five Minute Post

As published in my column 'The Blog Roll' in the June 2011 edition of SPORTElizabeth.

Before I start, I want you to tell me how many flags there are on a rugby field. Think about it. How many?

I have always said, “Trophies must change hands.” I believe it is good for sport. It keeps sport healthy, and more importantly, in doing so, it keeps viewers guessing, hoping, crying, laughing, singing, while glued to their screens, seats or deck chairs every weekend. It is for this reason (and a few others!) that I am not fond of teams such as Manchester United and the Bulls. See, I was nice. I said, ‘not fond of.’ Dammit man! NINETEEN English Premier League titles? Really? That’s a whole lot more than I’ve managed in my...ahem, 20-odd years. As much as it pains to say it, Man United really are possibly the best football club the world has ever seen. There, I said it. Happy now?

On that note, the humble, but quietly confident quartet of Daron Mann, Suren Packery, Viv Bozack and yours truly headed down to the Presidents Suite at St George’s Park on Tuesday 17 May at around about 18.30 or so. The reason I am so vague about the time is because it was an issue of much stress and panic as we got our wires all crossed, thinking the Port Elizabeth leg of the Supersport Media Quiz was due to start at 7pm. I arrived at around 18.31, and was told by the sometimes hilarious, and sometimes, well, just sometimes, quiz master and host for the evening, Neil Andrews that the quiz was going to start, “In five minutes, whether your team is here or not.” As we were the defending national champions (yes, national champions) the other teams supported this notion 100%.

“Daron! Daron! Where are you? Neil says the quiz is going to start in five minutes,” shouts a panic-stricken Rory into his cellphone. “Oh, @#&*, I’m probably five to ten minutes away. Do what you can!” says Daron. Next call was to Suren, who also said he was about five minutes away. Finally, a call to Viv to learn that he hadn’t yet left the house. Guess how long Viv said he’d be. Yes, that’s right – five minutes.

I must say though, you just have to love Port Elizabeth. Whether you are stuck in Govan Mbeki Avenue on your way to Greenbushes (on foot – not even feet), or whether you’re in Heugh Road, Walmer making your way to Sherwood in rush hour traffic (on horseback), you always get to say, “I’ll be there in five minutes.” This, however, is no longer the case. PE has grown. We now have at least fifteen unnecessary shopping centres, each complete with their own set of completely unnecessary traffic lights. These traffic lights are always red when you approach them, whether you’re leaving the shopping centre, or just trying to make your way down Main Road, Walmer. This must have been the case on Tuesday night for Daron, Suren and Viv.

To cut an already long story slightly shorter, after waiting around eight minutes, Neil (Andrews) said he could wait no longer, and needed to at least proceed with his welcoming speech, as well as a short reminder of the rules. He promised me he would speak slowly to give my team, who was only five minutes away, a chance to arrive. During his little speech, I kept turning around every 7 – 9 seconds to check the door hoping for the arrival of at least one of my team members. I realise now that my constant and repetitive ‘twitch’ must have looked something like that of Harry Redknapp’s on an average afternoon at White Hart Lane.

First to arrive was Viv. A little longer than the five minutes promised, but we’ll call it approximately 11 minutes. About 4 minutes later, Suren arrived, at which point I received a BlackBerry message from Daron saying he was, “Close by – 3 minutes.” Taking into account Daron lives somewhere near Seaview, I assume when he said he was ‘five minutes away’ he was probably getting into the shower. It’s Port Elizabeth – we get to say that here!

I feel the need to remind you at this point that the four of us, previously known as ‘Sharapova’s Love Slaves’ were the defending national champions. That is, we had won last year’s PE leg, and then gone on to win the national event in Durban a few months later. The heat was on. Operating under a different name this year, courtesy of Suren, who decided on the ‘Tamil Tigers,’ we were under pressure to retain our title. It was Suren’s farewell party at Algoa FM that same day, so we were hoping to send him off in style in this, his swansong.

At the halfway point, the Tamil Tigers were leading by just one point. It was oh so tight, and Neil warned us that at none of the other regional events around the country had the team that was leading at the halfway stage gone on to win it. Sadly for the Tamil Tigers, it was to remain that way. We were beaten by an excellent team from Media 24, with the boys from the Herald taking second spot. We ended third for our efforts, which earned us each a brand new DSTV HD PVR 2P decoder. First prize was a rather fancy Sony digital camcorder, while Alvin Reeves and Chumani Bambani and their teammates from the Herald each bagged an Apple iBook. But more important than the Sony camcorder, is the fact that the guys from Media 24 will represent the region at the nationals in Cape Town in August. I have already reminded them of the shoes they need to fill.

The other team from Algoa FM/Sport Elizabeth was made up of Neil Bisseker, Shadley Nash, Jason Kümm and guest, Derryn Opperman. I think they ended fifth. Top effort all round. The best part? The trophy changed hands. (That’s what I keep telling myself!)

A big thanks once again to Craig Stirk, Marilyn Mendelsohn, Neil Andrews and the rest of the team from Supersport for another incredible evening. All the best to the Media 24 team as they take on the country in Cape Town.

And, what did I learn from the whole experience? There are 16 flags on a rugby field, there are 336 dimples on a golf ball, and Timo Glock believes his recent appendix removal will improve his lap times. How long did it take me to write June 2011’s edition of the Blog Roll? Yes, that’s right – no more than five minutes.